So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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