K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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