How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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