I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
