I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
