I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
