so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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