just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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