Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
