Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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