My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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