Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
