this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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