we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize