Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
