My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
