I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
