my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
