walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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