My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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