he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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