I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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