soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
