I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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