I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
ok first of all what the fuck
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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