I think im going to throw up on grandma
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
