Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
