I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
