If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
