i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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