my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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