Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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