its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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