i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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