I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
