wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
