I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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