a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
