I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
