He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
