I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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