Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
