Will you blow on my dice?
i permit you to call me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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