I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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