I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
