Plan B is the new Plan A
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
