Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
