If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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