Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
