did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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