i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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