I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
