doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
