I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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