Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
