I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
