Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
