just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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