They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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